Numb.

So I guess I'm okay? Lately, lifes just been moving too fast. But I seem to have a slow reaction to everything. In my mind, everything is going by so slow, but I'm getting close to the end at turbo speed. 2 more months and we're out of high school. I haven't found my ball dress yet and unfortunately, I still have a bad case of senioritis. My days consist of the same shit, different day. And as for my depression, I'm guilty of NOT taking my mood regulators, which is horrible. My moods aren't that bad anymore, or are they? I'm not reaally sure. I THINK I've been fine. I THINK I've been happy. The thing is, I'm not reaally sure. It feels numb, everyday it does. I'm fine, but my feelings, they can't even go into depth anymore. Sometimes, I talk about somethings and I don't know where I'm getting at. Like, I don't even know the point I'm making sometimes. At times, I've been in this "fck the world" type motto of life. I just wish I had a better understanding of things, but I just don't have that mindset anymore. Btw, I still HAVEN'T been singing. I miss it. It used to be such a stress reliever and a way to get everything out. Nowadays, I guess not.

I'm changing.

Choosing

to befriend him, was just a waste of my time.

So You Can Cry.

I'm slowly losing it, day by day. And I can't help but watch it slip through my fingers knowing that maybe, it can be gone forever. As I sit here and put on a smile like everything is okay, my eyes fill with tears as I look at my surroundings and inside, my heart just cries.

I want everything to be okay. My mouth may say the words, but my brain is nowhere near sane. My heart hurts everyday and there's no way possible that the aching can go away. I'm tired of the mood swings, the tears, the isolation. I'm tired of not being okay. I'm tired of losing myself.

They say that you have to take this depression and make it a part of you. I know its a part of me. I know that I can change it, but I'm struggling. Its extremely hard to just turn around and have everything just leave from my mind. Everything as in all this sadness that fills me up. I'm falling apart everyday and I'm breaking down so much. As I grow to be more depressed, my tolerance for anything has been at its lowest. My tolerance to go thru life, is low. And what I'm fearing the most is what will happen to me when I'm beyond low?

I don't know what to do..

I'm not suprised that today ended like the way it did. I already felt like it was going to be a bad day. I feel so horrible.

Today, it felt like I gave the worst advice ever and the way I acted.. It was terrible.

I got in a little argument with one of my close friends today, which is just bringing me down so much. He wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. And its like, what's the point of going after her then? He got mad at me. Yelled back at me. And inside, I just wanted to cry, but I wanted to keep my pride up at first. For the time that I spent around him, I acted stubborn and said, "I'm mad at him. I won't talk to him unless he talks to me." I was just so irritated. And with that, I didn't even want to reaally talk to anyone. I should mention that I also got irritated when Quoc kept throwing a tennis ball and it kept hitting Tuyen's car. He could've broke something. So I told him to stop a few times. Got mad and yeah.


Getting home, I felt the need to isolate myself. Thinking about what happened with my friend, I felt horrible. Maybe I did come at him the wrong way? Like I said, I hate caring so much nowadays. Being unappreciated makes me feel so damn useless.


Bad mood, I need my time.

5th week.

Every day, it gets harder and harder to control these emotions.I hate how I am, this isn't me, at all. I just want so bad for me to be how I used to be.

<3 day.

Was fun:]

Finally, I'm off from restriction and it feels good to finally be able to go out again.

<3day, Baby and me spent time. And we went to Thanh's birthday party.

Overall, it was fun.

in the morning, I found myself always waking up from excitement to finally spend time with baby. I woke up at about 7 and baby made it here around 8ish. We cooked breakfast together and watched movies and then took a nap. I loved just being with him. It was great:] after we went to Thanh's. theFAM was together again and the weekend felt complete since we haven't chilled in hella long. Ilovedit.
In all,
Happy Birthday, Thanh! &
Happy Birthday, Kuya VJ!

I'm sleepy. Update later=] goodnight.

I can't move forward.

Somehow, I can't come into terms of ever forgiving her. I come close to opening the door for her to accept her back in my life, and end up stepping back with the chance of hearing more fcked up shit that result in the reason of me leaving. I mean, how can someone ONLY want you around financially. And the time staying there, I was pretty much dead to them. Now that I'm gone from that house, I can honestly say that I miss being there, I miss her, I miss my little brother. But then, there's that side that snaps me back into reality and makes me feel that it will never work out between me and my mother and that we will never have a restored relationship. From this downfall, I'm still mad as hell. But only forgiving comes when I seem to want her in my life due to all this time passing by in fear of forever losing her if one day, God decides to take her with him. I'm just so confused, koz hey.. How can you lose something that'd you've never actually had?.. A steady relationship w/ my mother, actually being happy in her presence, actually feeling accepted/wanted? So bad, I just don't want to hate her, but there's all these new reasons that just make me never want to come in contact with her.

.

I cannot keep up anymore. I'll blog later tho, promise.

Fearing the future.

I am one of many that fears the future. I fear what's gonna happen. I fear whose gonna be there and whose not gonna be there. I know it isn't good to look too much into the future. Its a mystery. Everything is coming up so fast. Just yesterday, it was my first day of high school as a freshman. I feel so worried about the future and I just wish I can stop time stay at a scene where I'm surrounded by those who I love most. And the fact that I'm in my last year of high school, I feel as if I don't want to grow any older. This is what I wanted so bad throughout my life. From the old TV shows, all I wanted to do was be older. I wanted to be in high school, I wanted to be like the kids in Boy Meets World. And now that I'm finally at the point where I'm gonna be going to college, I feel that I don't want to move forward. I feel like I want to be that little kid who doesn't care about the leftover food left all over their face. The little kid that doesn't have to worry about anything. But I can't stop time, nor can I go back. The thing that makes me the saddest is that.. I can't keep every single person who means so much to me in my life forever. There's gonna be the point where we're gonna separate from your best friends and the next thing you know, you're nothing but strangers towards one another. Although I don't want to lose anybody that I currently have in my life, I have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Talking to Randy yday, he said that this is the semester where couples seem to experience the rockiest of times bkoz they see the future, and then they get scared. Me and Quoc are two different people, and its scary koz we both have so much ahead of us. Ilovehim w/ everything. I have faith in us, I believe in us. But its hard not to be scared of what lies ahead within our relationship and generally what lies ahead within his future and my future. I am not one to plan for the future in a relationship, I am one who rather just lets things flow bkoz when those plans don't go through, it ends up hurting you in the end.

The future is scary, yet exciting. It makes me want to move forward, but then again, it makes me want to move backwards.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrows a myster and today is a gift, that's why its called the present." - Ms. Dugan/KungFuPanda.

When things fall apart.

It sucks when friendships fall apart. Some for the right reasons, some for the wrong reasons, but either way, you're losing the friendship that used to mean something to you or still does mean something to you. Its reaally hard to deal with the downfall of a friendship. You see, friendships and relationships share differences and similarities. But one thing that happens in building a friendship/relationship to actually having a strong one is that in both relations, you're giving your heart to that someone, putting your trust in them. It may sound weird, but that's what I believe. I give my heart to everyone so close to me. And it honestly just sucks if they basically don't take it into consideration, taking you for granted. And so we wonder why people take one another for granted w/ friendships & relationships.

An explanation?



I couldn't even tell you why.. But I wish I knew.

abcdefghijkLENG: Okay, I'll blog just for you.

I believe that the greatest life changing people come in when your life just seems to be crashing down. I think that I currently have the greatest people in my life. And with them being with me, I find myself more in love with life. Its pretty ironic how things may finally fall into place when everything just seems to be falling apart. Thinking about it, I'm just thankful for all the support that I have.

Other than that, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Hand in hand with someone who I honestly can't say is the love of my life, but the LIFE of my love. What I mean by that, is with him, he brings life to this love. Even though we fall down, I find myself being picked up and held in his arms while he tells me the boo boos will be all right and will go away. He always makes me feel like I'm constantly falling for him, with new lessons to learn of falling more and more in love with him. Our relationship is the relationship that I've always wished for. From 2007 and now its 2009. No time to think too much ahead, koz its just the beginning.

"You won't realize the distance you've walked until you take a look around and realize how far you've been."

Even though we always fights and disagree on things, we've come a long way to let each other go over something stupid.

I know we're young and its not good to plan ahead, but right now, I want so much for my heart to be forever yours<3

.

I have like, negative time to blog. Sorry. This week and the following week will be hell. I'll try to blog later.

Awake.

I just woke up from a nap and damn, I'm tired koz I didn't quite know where the fck I was. Haha. I came back to my senses and figured I was in my bed. I've had negative sleep and it sucks. So much shit to do this week and next week. Fuck, lets just say that this whole week is pretty fuckin' crucial.

Anyways, for some reason, I feel like somethings missing. Idk what, but its something. Something like, when you find out you're leaving to go out of town and you pack your stuff with the quickness, no checklist. Then you get in the car, think about the shit you brought and you're like, fck.. I feel like I'm missing something. That's how I feel right now and I hate the feeling O_o

The week is going by pretty fast, getting closer to greenbizz. I'm excited as hell to get it off my shoulders. Yet, I'm hella scared to present. I'm not a good presenter. I need to work on it before I shit myself on stage.

Fck my life, school sucks.

<3

Well, although we argued "last night", we kinda talked this morning, settled things. And just seeing him pretty much gave me the giggles. And everything was okay. The day went by pretty fast and I just couldn't let go of him:] But yeah. Baby came over afterschool. And we laid together and conversated about random things, then fell asleep. I absolutely loved it. I absolutely love him. And I know it. Reading my horoscope, it said that I'm gonna be with someone whose willing to go thru 2009 with me. Although I don't want to plan for the future, I'm hoping that its him that I go through 2009 with<3

Other than that, I pretty much love it so far. I have the best family, friends & Boyfriend. I couldn't ask for more.


Dates & countdowns to special days;

January12: 6 more days until Dad's and sissaKelly's birthday.

January15: 9 more days til greenbizz.

January28: 22 more days until baby's birthday.

Goodnight, world.

Virgin fckin' blog.

So this is a first. Haha, so I guess I moved to blogspot, rather than Xanga koz its more fun. I have school later on today and I basically CANNOT go to sleep. Baby came back from LA today and we got into an argument, which isn't the proper welcoming=| feels like shit, I'm always the one left awake, having to deal with the fact that the night got left on a bad note. Probably, the whole break.. The alone time that we've got with each other was not enough. We haven't reaally had a conversation on the phone and when we tried to have a conversation awhile ago, things didn't reaally go as I hoped they would go. All the misunderstanding led to arguing, like he said, about something stupid. It was stupid and we both made it seem like none of wanted to admit that we were wrong. But as I always say, in a relationship.. Both are blamed, bkoz you shouldn't be fighting in the first place. We're both at fault. First fight of 2009, and our New Year's Resolution is barely taking ANY action. Goodnight world.