I can't move forward.

Somehow, I can't come into terms of ever forgiving her. I come close to opening the door for her to accept her back in my life, and end up stepping back with the chance of hearing more fcked up shit that result in the reason of me leaving. I mean, how can someone ONLY want you around financially. And the time staying there, I was pretty much dead to them. Now that I'm gone from that house, I can honestly say that I miss being there, I miss her, I miss my little brother. But then, there's that side that snaps me back into reality and makes me feel that it will never work out between me and my mother and that we will never have a restored relationship. From this downfall, I'm still mad as hell. But only forgiving comes when I seem to want her in my life due to all this time passing by in fear of forever losing her if one day, God decides to take her with him. I'm just so confused, koz hey.. How can you lose something that'd you've never actually had?.. A steady relationship w/ my mother, actually being happy in her presence, actually feeling accepted/wanted? So bad, I just don't want to hate her, but there's all these new reasons that just make me never want to come in contact with her.