Numb.

So I guess I'm okay? Lately, lifes just been moving too fast. But I seem to have a slow reaction to everything. In my mind, everything is going by so slow, but I'm getting close to the end at turbo speed. 2 more months and we're out of high school. I haven't found my ball dress yet and unfortunately, I still have a bad case of senioritis. My days consist of the same shit, different day. And as for my depression, I'm guilty of NOT taking my mood regulators, which is horrible. My moods aren't that bad anymore, or are they? I'm not reaally sure. I THINK I've been fine. I THINK I've been happy. The thing is, I'm not reaally sure. It feels numb, everyday it does. I'm fine, but my feelings, they can't even go into depth anymore. Sometimes, I talk about somethings and I don't know where I'm getting at. Like, I don't even know the point I'm making sometimes. At times, I've been in this "fck the world" type motto of life. I just wish I had a better understanding of things, but I just don't have that mindset anymore. Btw, I still HAVEN'T been singing. I miss it. It used to be such a stress reliever and a way to get everything out. Nowadays, I guess not.

I'm changing.

Choosing

to befriend him, was just a waste of my time.

So You Can Cry.

I'm slowly losing it, day by day. And I can't help but watch it slip through my fingers knowing that maybe, it can be gone forever. As I sit here and put on a smile like everything is okay, my eyes fill with tears as I look at my surroundings and inside, my heart just cries.

I want everything to be okay. My mouth may say the words, but my brain is nowhere near sane. My heart hurts everyday and there's no way possible that the aching can go away. I'm tired of the mood swings, the tears, the isolation. I'm tired of not being okay. I'm tired of losing myself.

They say that you have to take this depression and make it a part of you. I know its a part of me. I know that I can change it, but I'm struggling. Its extremely hard to just turn around and have everything just leave from my mind. Everything as in all this sadness that fills me up. I'm falling apart everyday and I'm breaking down so much. As I grow to be more depressed, my tolerance for anything has been at its lowest. My tolerance to go thru life, is low. And what I'm fearing the most is what will happen to me when I'm beyond low?

I don't know what to do..

I'm not suprised that today ended like the way it did. I already felt like it was going to be a bad day. I feel so horrible.

Today, it felt like I gave the worst advice ever and the way I acted.. It was terrible.

I got in a little argument with one of my close friends today, which is just bringing me down so much. He wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. And its like, what's the point of going after her then? He got mad at me. Yelled back at me. And inside, I just wanted to cry, but I wanted to keep my pride up at first. For the time that I spent around him, I acted stubborn and said, "I'm mad at him. I won't talk to him unless he talks to me." I was just so irritated. And with that, I didn't even want to reaally talk to anyone. I should mention that I also got irritated when Quoc kept throwing a tennis ball and it kept hitting Tuyen's car. He could've broke something. So I told him to stop a few times. Got mad and yeah.


Getting home, I felt the need to isolate myself. Thinking about what happened with my friend, I felt horrible. Maybe I did come at him the wrong way? Like I said, I hate caring so much nowadays. Being unappreciated makes me feel so damn useless.


Bad mood, I need my time.

5th week.

Every day, it gets harder and harder to control these emotions.I hate how I am, this isn't me, at all. I just want so bad for me to be how I used to be.

<3 day.

Was fun:]

Finally, I'm off from restriction and it feels good to finally be able to go out again.

<3day, Baby and me spent time. And we went to Thanh's birthday party.

Overall, it was fun.

in the morning, I found myself always waking up from excitement to finally spend time with baby. I woke up at about 7 and baby made it here around 8ish. We cooked breakfast together and watched movies and then took a nap. I loved just being with him. It was great:] after we went to Thanh's. theFAM was together again and the weekend felt complete since we haven't chilled in hella long. Ilovedit.
In all,
Happy Birthday, Thanh! &
Happy Birthday, Kuya VJ!

I'm sleepy. Update later=] goodnight.

I can't move forward.

Somehow, I can't come into terms of ever forgiving her. I come close to opening the door for her to accept her back in my life, and end up stepping back with the chance of hearing more fcked up shit that result in the reason of me leaving. I mean, how can someone ONLY want you around financially. And the time staying there, I was pretty much dead to them. Now that I'm gone from that house, I can honestly say that I miss being there, I miss her, I miss my little brother. But then, there's that side that snaps me back into reality and makes me feel that it will never work out between me and my mother and that we will never have a restored relationship. From this downfall, I'm still mad as hell. But only forgiving comes when I seem to want her in my life due to all this time passing by in fear of forever losing her if one day, God decides to take her with him. I'm just so confused, koz hey.. How can you lose something that'd you've never actually had?.. A steady relationship w/ my mother, actually being happy in her presence, actually feeling accepted/wanted? So bad, I just don't want to hate her, but there's all these new reasons that just make me never want to come in contact with her.