Choosing

to befriend him, was just a waste of my time.

So You Can Cry.

I'm slowly losing it, day by day. And I can't help but watch it slip through my fingers knowing that maybe, it can be gone forever. As I sit here and put on a smile like everything is okay, my eyes fill with tears as I look at my surroundings and inside, my heart just cries.

I want everything to be okay. My mouth may say the words, but my brain is nowhere near sane. My heart hurts everyday and there's no way possible that the aching can go away. I'm tired of the mood swings, the tears, the isolation. I'm tired of not being okay. I'm tired of losing myself.

They say that you have to take this depression and make it a part of you. I know its a part of me. I know that I can change it, but I'm struggling. Its extremely hard to just turn around and have everything just leave from my mind. Everything as in all this sadness that fills me up. I'm falling apart everyday and I'm breaking down so much. As I grow to be more depressed, my tolerance for anything has been at its lowest. My tolerance to go thru life, is low. And what I'm fearing the most is what will happen to me when I'm beyond low?

I don't know what to do..

I'm not suprised that today ended like the way it did. I already felt like it was going to be a bad day. I feel so horrible.

Today, it felt like I gave the worst advice ever and the way I acted.. It was terrible.

I got in a little argument with one of my close friends today, which is just bringing me down so much. He wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. And its like, what's the point of going after her then? He got mad at me. Yelled back at me. And inside, I just wanted to cry, but I wanted to keep my pride up at first. For the time that I spent around him, I acted stubborn and said, "I'm mad at him. I won't talk to him unless he talks to me." I was just so irritated. And with that, I didn't even want to reaally talk to anyone. I should mention that I also got irritated when Quoc kept throwing a tennis ball and it kept hitting Tuyen's car. He could've broke something. So I told him to stop a few times. Got mad and yeah.


Getting home, I felt the need to isolate myself. Thinking about what happened with my friend, I felt horrible. Maybe I did come at him the wrong way? Like I said, I hate caring so much nowadays. Being unappreciated makes me feel so damn useless.


Bad mood, I need my time.

5th week.

Every day, it gets harder and harder to control these emotions.I hate how I am, this isn't me, at all. I just want so bad for me to be how I used to be.